The Train Analogy and Helping Your Child Work Through Their Emotions

My heart is hurting tonight…I come up feeling like I continually fail when it comes to parenting my children lately. As clichéd as it sounds, It’s a truly fine line that we walk as parents…we are the teachers, the nurturers, the role models, the disciplinarians, the rule-setters, etc. We are often so many more things to our children, and so many of them at one time.

So, life lately…right? It seems that the busier I get with work, school, writing, trying to keep up with this blog, and the myriad of other things that I am to other people, that when I get home and am required to switch roles and put on the “father” and “husband” hats, I have had way too little patience lately when one of my precious babies is coming at me too strong wanting something the instant I walk through the door or incensed because their mother has not allowed the use of their favorite toy or whatever the trauma of the moment. It isn’t until I see the recoiling look on their beautiful faces that I realize it wasn’t them that crossed the line, it was I.

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My Darling Children: I Have Failed You

I have several times related here that when I don’t know how to process my emotions, I write a letter either in general or to a specific person. This is one of those times, where I am trying to reconcile my emotions after hearing some pretty heartbreaking things coming out of the mouth of my oldest child. Sufficed to say, he didn’t say anything that I didn’t already know in the back of my mind, but that he recognized those things and his visual expressions were what caused my heartbreak.

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Bravery in the Face of Tragedy: One Mom’s Advice to Parents

If you’ve ever been a parent, you know the deep-seeded feelings of life, love, and hope we all harbor towards our beautiful children. Sometimes in the thick of life, we forget that these miniature people we are cultivating are the rarest, most precious gift from God, and we should spend more time holding and treasuring our beautiful gifts.

In the wake of their ultimate pain and loss, Idaho native Ashley Grimm took to Facebook to share the story of how she lost her little boy in a tragic split-second decision on a routine drive home after a day of playing baseball with 5 of her children. She shares the terrible details of her loss in hopes of inspiring other parents to stop and treasure the time they have right now with their children. Even though her story has garnered an almost insurmountable wave of hatred from internet trolls, she and her husband Nick have remained strong and faithful and have honored the memory of their precious son, and are an inspiration for us all.

In an interview with Today Parents, Ashley offered this advice:

“We as parents are running around bombarded by our email, our Facebook, our deadlines, our daily drama. Then there’s the projects, the housecleaning, the swirling chaos drowning us in an ocean of meaningless stuff. I hope my story will inspire parents to slow down and cherish every little moment, whether they’re in the midst of tragedy or just trying to make it through the day. Even the fits Titus would throw are endearing to me now as I look back,” she said. “While living the mom life can seem so overwhelming, there are so many beautiful moments we miss because we are stressed, overextended and downright tired.”

You can help support the family by donating to this GoFundMe page set up by friends wanting to help in their time of need.

Her original Facebook post is below, and her comments and advice are directed towards all of you mothers out there, but fathers take note: You are the one they look to for how to sort out and negotiate their way through life. You are the one they will learn their behaviors towards women by how you treat your wife. You are their hero.


ashleygrimm1As some of you know, I have gone through every mother’s worst fear. On June 2nd, I lost my youngest son in a horrible car accident. I was driving. I had pulled away from a gas station, checking each buckle, and I began to drive the curvy, mountainous road to my family’s house.

My son was notorious for doing everything he could to unbuckle in the car (“The Flash doesn’t wear a seatbelt, and I’m the Flash, mama”). We tried five point harness seats, boosters, I believe even zip ties at one point (probably not safe either) but he always viewed it as a superhero challenge. He was a superhero because he always succeeded. On average, I would usually pull over three or four times on any given trip to firmly make him buckle up again.

We were only five minutes out when a large rock rolled into my lane. I had three choices: try to straddle the rock, move to the oncoming lane which was a double line large curve with an angry river at the other side. Rock, head on collision, river. I chose the rock. I chose wrong. And yes, he had already unbuckled along with his 8 year old brother. (They were switching spots and I didn’t know.) The rock hit my axle, and sent us plummeting into the side of a cliff.

Our 13 passenger van rolled and my son was instantly gone. Our lives were instantly ripped apart. The little boy who had been my pride and joy was cruelly taken from me in a matter of seconds. I remember being smashed between my console (no airbag engaged) and our three ton van. I had blood everywhere. I fought and fought and then blacked out. When I awoke, I was unbuckling my baby from her car seat (she was upside down) and working to get each child (5 of my children were with me) out of the van.

ashley-grimm-titus-handWhen I came to Titus I worked with all my might to lift the heavy van off his tiny body. My 8 year old son was trying to help me. I could only see the lower half of his body. I rubbed his tummy and tried gentle compressions. But he was already gone. It was instantaneous, which only brings me comfort because I know he felt no pain. What followed was a blur. I refused treatment from the paramedics until they let me hold my dead son. All my children were whipped away and taken to an ambulance to be cared for. I was life-flighted and sedated, for the shock made me inconsolable.

It was two days later that I saw it all over Facebook. A news report reporting the death of my child as if they were reporting that the weather might change, or a new planet had been discovered. I was thankful they reported that no drugs or alcohol had been a factor. But that’s not what hurt. The readers commented the cruelest things about how horrible of a mother I was. How I deserved it. How my children should be taken from me. I wanted to punch them, shake them. Tell them how close we were, how hard I fought to keep him safe. How we had a special good night kiss and a designated McDonald’s date each week. I wanted to scream that he always told me he wanted to marry me, that I was the best mama ever. That he built me Lego ships, took naps in my bed while holding my hand with his dimpled little fingers.

But no one would have listened anyway. I feel led to write this to all you Mamas because I have a longing to look each of you in the eyes and tell you this: “Hold your babies tight”. That’s all I want to shout to the world.

ashley-grimm-titus-graveI’m not who I once was; death and loss changes a person from the inside out. I have held my dead sons body in the middle of a highway while I rocked him and screamed – no ordered God to bring him back. I have chosen a funeral plot for my four year old boy as I contemplated jumping from the cliff the cemetery overlooks just so I could be where he is.
I have purchased a 200 dollars superhero outfit for my son to wear as he decomposes in the earth. I have kissed a corpse over and over and wept as I traced over every feature of his ice cold face and held his still dimpled, but lifeless hands. I have slept in a cemetery just to try and take one more nap with him. I talk to the dirt. To the ground where he lies with his lovey blanket and his avengers outfit

And what I want to say (if you’ve read this far, you’re so patient and so kind) is this. And you can share it with any mama you know.

  • Maybe finishing broccoli at dinner isn’t as important as we might think. Watch how your children eat, soak in their hatred for corn (oh how Titus hated corn). Maybe they can still have ice cream – even just sometimes – while those veggies still sit on their plate.
  • Learn to pretend. Get into their world. Learn to play the Xbox with them. Embrace their beautiful, fleeting imagination. Let them really believe that they are Captain America or Queen Elsa. Get in their mind, see how they tick. The dishes will still be there.
  • Take every hug and kiss they bring you – even the twenty fifth one they use just to get out of bed at night. And really squeeze them.
  • Stop and look at the bugs, the rocks, the sticks, the sunset. Slow down mama, slow down.
  • Tell them you love them. But look in their eyes and say it like you mean it. Tell them they can do anything – anything they set their mind to.
  • Yes, we must hold them accountable but sometimes- maybe grace is the answer. Maybe, just maybe, they won’t end up ruined if we let some things slide.
  • Never judge another mama. We don’t know the whole story, we don’t know. We just don’t know.

Go hug your babies right now. Soak in their smell, look at the innocent sparkle in their eyes that is lost somewhere between childhood and adulthood. Really feel how they squeeze you. Set down your phone and see them through the lens of your eyes not only the lens of your camera. Remember the feeling of their head on your shoulder, their hand in yours, their sloppy kisses on your cheeks. Nurse them one more time. Sleep is overrated. Listen five minutes longer about Star Wars, Minecraft and Disney princesses.

Mamas, hold your children tight. How blessed you are to have been entrusted with such unique, beautiful, tiny humans.

From my heart to yours,
Ashley

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This is my Circus… Yes you Can Watch!

It was glorious summer day!  Sun shining, birds chirping, flowers blooming, and not a cloud in the sky.  A perfect day for a day trip to the water park.  Since the park opened at 11:00, I decided it would be best to wait and treat the kiddos to a lunch in a real “restaurant” inside the park (With 4 kids, eating outside the home is a treat!)…

Source: This is my Circus… Yes you Can Watch! (When you kids cause a scene) | Moms Banning Together

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